Are you:
a) Tired of all the incessant honking on the road?
b) Scared of taking your prized vehicle out on the roads, for fear of those maniacs whose vehicles move about like tadpoles in a pond?
c) Wary of following simple traffic rules, like stopping at a red signal, for fear of the Schumacher behind you hitting his vehicle with full force into yours?
d) All of the above?
If you answered "yes" to any of these then chances are that you may be a non-Keralite on one of the roads in Kerala. May God forbid, but if that is the case then worry no more. A helping hand is finally here to get you prepared before you enter the danger zone the next time.
Like they say, sometimes you need to be one of them, in order to beat them. So here's a simple guide to driving on Kerala roads, while keeping your bumpers and head in place.
Each point in the following checklist must be adhered to religiously:
1. Get into the driver's seat, switch on the ignition and blow the horn long enough to warm it up for the journey.
2. Put the vehicle in gear and before releasing the clutch, blow the horn again to make sure that it's still working.
3. Switch to the next gear as soon as your vehicle moves forward, while stepping on the accelerator - gaining speed should be your top priority at this time.
4. Remember the Golden Rule as long as your vehicle is on the road:
There is an invisible "Road Monster" after EACH vehicle on the road, whose purpose is to catch up with the vehicle and like a hannibal, gouge out its heart - THE HORN.
So, drive as fast as you think you shouldn't, for there is no such thing as a maximum speed limit here.
5. Seat belts, helmets, footwear etc. are all passe. A pair of extra large sunglasses and a loud horn is enough.
6. Remember to overtake as many vehicles as you possibly can - you have to leave the monster behind, remember?
The best method to overtake 'cleverly' is to turn the left indicator on and then swerve your vehicle to the right, while pumping your palm muscles against the horn and your sole against the accelerator. You may wish to get up from your seat while overtaking, to push the accelerator pedal to its capacity.
Also, try overtaking mostly at sharp bends - it will intimidate any vehicle coming from the opposite side.
7. After overtaking a vehicle, make sure that you do not lose speed, for now you have at least 2 monsters behind you. Go even faster.
8. When moving into a busy road from a by-lane, remember to carry on at the same speed. Don't make the mistake of releasing the horn or slowing down your vehicle for even one moment during this crucial period.
Keep in mind that moving into a busy road is like venturing out into the world - you have to be bold and daring, or else you might get suppressed by those already in the race. Do it as fearlessly as you would walk from your bedroom into your drawing room.
9. Communicate with the other maniacs on the road by blowing the horn every 5-10 seconds - you'll become a lot more popular among the community that way, and also wake up someone who might have dozed off while racing.
10. Always try to zoom past traffic signals, like those hairy overweight heroes do in Malayalam films.
If, God forbid, you HAVE to stop at a traffic signal, do not make the mistake of turning the engine off, or else the moment the light turns green, you'll find your vehicle being pushed forward by the one behind you.
Remember: Red = Adjust sunglasses and hair; Yellow = Rev the engine and test the horn; Green = Zoom!
11. If you ever notice a traffic policeman waving at you to stop, then relax - you're only hallucinating.
There are no such things as "Traffic Policemen" here. Like ghosts, they are talked about once in a while, but nobody has ever seen one on these roads.
12. It is always smarter to drive on the so-called "wrong" side of the road.
It gives you an upper hand over all the other vehicles moving in that direction, because then you don't have to wait until the one in front of you makes way for you to zoom past.
Keep in mind that walking against the tide has always been a matter of great honour, so you are only earning yourself greater reputation among the community. Wonder why they call it the "wrong" side then!
Once in a while, when another vehicle comes dangerously close to you from the opposite side, you could either swerve back into your lane without warning, or simply scare the "opponent" vehicle off with your horn.
13. Always be in touch with your automobile mechanic, and remember to regularly update your horn with the loudest and most irritating one available.
Expert Tip: Save yourself the trouble of honking all the time - get your mechanic to re-position the switch of the horn under the driver's seat.
Once you get into the habit of driving smartly (some silly people continue to refer to it as reckless, insane and dangerous!), you're bound to get over the hysteria and after that you'll feel much better on the road.
Note: You might end up hitting a few vehicles in the beginning, so keep a constipated smile and a Malayalam translation dictionary ready, just in case. Also, tilting your head swiftly and continuously from left to right and vice versa, will help in solving the dispute all the more easily, as it is a popular sign of accord among local people (to quickly learn this effective trick, observe how pets shake their heads after they get wet in the rain).
If all of this still doesn't help then i guess you're better off in the backseat - with your eyes shut, ears plugged and fingers crossed.
With best wishes for a great start,
Yours truly,
A Non-Keralite in Kerala
p.s. If you want to experience it for real, make a trip to Kerala sometime between January 1 and December 31, and you'll see what i'm talking about. Each of the above can be seen in live action.
Warning: Implementing these instructions in any other part of the world might land you in prison, or worse, a mental hospital. Be safe - don't try this in your own car.
Disclaimer: Following these instructions is entirely up to your judgement.
